"Dennis Doyle Says"

"That sounds like a Springer show! 'Are you a hairy woman who
married your first cousin? Call me tomorrow to be on the show!'”

"Romantic love is great but the problem is it dies out and gets replaced
with something called passionate love."
[catching himself]
"...I mean compassionate love!"

Dennis: "What’s the first thing they ask you when you walk into a hospital?
It’s not 'Where does it hurt?' — it’s 'Where’s your insurance card?'
Student: "We did that... really. Even on the helicopter."
Dennis: [pretending to be an EMT on a helicopter] 'Hey, you don’t have a card'?
Throw ‘em out?"

(Giving his solution to the problem of deadbeat dads.)
"Get some guy named Vinnie to slap ‘im around a little bit.
[Italian accent] "'You owe $4,000 in child support?'" [slap]

"I’m always a happy drunk!"

"My grandfather had a saying: 'There’s only two kinds of drunks—
Russians and Americans.' I said to him 'Why’s that?'
He said, 'Everybody else drinks for a reason!'”

(Talking about Dr. Phil.)
"He’s got crazy-man eyes. You know, one squinty eye and one...
[opens eye wide] Reminds me of the crazy uncle that shows up
around Christmas... 'Hey, how you doin’?'”
[looks around, wide-eyed]

"My first case as a probation officer was a 10-year-old arsonist.
He would tie a rope to a frog and then dangle it in front of his sister
downstairs... and he used to tie bottle rockets to his bike spokes and
then shoot them off. I can just imagine some guy outside, painting
his house...
[as an old man] "'Hey, how you doin’?'
[imitates bottle rocket blasting off]
[old man voice] “'Son of a...!' You know? Some old World War II
veteran... shouts 'The Germans are coming!'... dives off his ladder
and digs a trench in his back yard..."

(Talking about tommy guns and self-defense.)
"I always think of some old woman with one of those."

"It’s one thing to be a “true artist”—it’s another thing to [be able to]
pay your rent."

"Has anyone ever seen “Sleeping With the Enemy” with Julia Child,
er, Roberts? [imitating Julia Child] “Oh, I’ve cut the heck out of my finger!”

(A trumpet plays on a video in the adjoining classroom.)
"Charge! Did you hear that?! What is that... Custer’s Last Stand
going on over there?"

"I have a friend who’s a black woman, and she told her family she
was getting married to a white man... she said their response was
'We don’t care who you marry, we thought you were a lesbian!'"

Said to Dennis:
"You’re not being any help in dispelling the myth that men think about
sex every six seconds!"