Game Identification Chart

Mario looks like he is in "The Exorcist"                Super Mario Brothers

Mario looks like a female in a pink dress               Super Mario Brothers 2

Mario has a huge nose                                           Super Mario Brothers 2

You have to squint to see Mario                            Super Mario Land

Mario looks like Superman                                    Super Mario World

Mario as a baby becomes annoying quickly           Super Mario World 2

Mario looks like Yankee Doodle                           Super Mario Land 2

Mario gets pushed off a slide by a penguin            Super Mario 64
 

Mario's Laws of Physics

Walking into a hole will kill you.

If you are in front of a wall, you can't walk forward.

If you are in mid-air, you just drift forward.

You can't duck while swimming or flying.

You can't jump in the middle of another jump.

You can't jump underwater.
 

The Real World vs. Mario's World

You cannot jump as high as Mario.

Eating strange mushrooms will probably kill you.

Dinosaurs are extinct.

The gorillas at the zoo will not throw barrels at you.

A princess will not go out with you.

Your pet dog is not "Poochie."

You can't jump into your house's plumbing.

Balls of fire will not come from any flowers.

Monsters are not hiding in the clouds and waiting to attack you.

Growing a raccoon tail does not mean you can fly.


Know Your Items

Mushroom

- Looks like a spotted, discolored muffin.

- Run into an enemy. If you shrink, you had it. If you die, you didn't.

Fire Flower

- Looks like a radioactive daisy.

- Mario's overalls change into a white radiation suit.

- If you press B and Mario appears to throw fire with his nose, you have the Flower.

* (If you stand there and get hit, you didn't have it.)

Raccoon Leaf / Tail

- Looks like a marijuana leaf.

- If Mario has a raccoon tail, he has the Leaf.

* (If you have the tail, get help)
 

Othersí Comments on Games

Donkey Kong

"Itís all fun and games until the monkey falls off the building."

"Iím not sure which is worse -- knowing a huge ape stole my chick, or that Iím a fat plumber."

"As fun as a barrel of monkeys -- or a monkey with barrels!"

"Why does Mario squeak when he walks? He ought to oil his shoes with that oil can at the bottom of the first level!"

Mario Bros.

-  "Luigi looks like heís got leprosy!"

Mario Clash

"The ugly: Mario up close. Have mercy!"

Mario Kart 64

"Wario is ugly! If my dogís face looked like that, Iíd shave [his backside] and teach him to walk backwards!"

Super Mario Bros.

"The original trippy ride through the pipes!"

"Journey to the land of talking mushrooms, 40-foot trees, and flying turtles --- and no, itís not Robert Downey Jr.ís basement."

-  "Someone ought to tell Mario that breakign [sic] bricks with your head can cause brain damage."

Super Mario Bros. 2

"Toad is as strong as Superman, but he jumps like a flea thatís lost his legs."

"When I threw vegetables at my brother, it didnít hurt him, but I got in trouble for it."

Super Mario Sunshine

"Mario is typically mute, the Chancellor sounds like Scrooge McDuck, the Toads sound like eunuchs on helium, Bowser sounds like Tony Soprano, and the Princessí voice sounds like the most feminine man in the world combined with Barbieís voice then punched in the stomach."

"Mario sounds like a Japanese penguin on crack, and Princess sounds like -- um, moving on."

"Whoever concluded that finding hundreds of blue coins constitutes a fun product seriously ought to reconsider their own ideas of bliss!"