Gone to the Dogs 

Thanks for taking care of our dog while I'm out.
Unfortunately, he's not the brightest—or the most social.
Allow me to explain… 

The dog thinks he’s human. With that statement, no one disagrees.
He sits in the breakfast table chair: “More coffee please!”
He’s also quite easily impressed, thinks we’re geniuses, unlike our former cat.
“Want to go out?” you ask; the dog stares at you: “What a great idea! I'd
           never have thought of that!”

 Unfortunately, he never shuts up, yip and yelp and bark
Does he have to end every sentence with an exclamation mark?
Soon as a visitor comes up to the door, the dog lets loose with a stream of “woof”
It’s really quite noisy enough to blow the shingles off the roof!
What compels the dog to stretch those vocal chords, whether visitor be
           monsieur or mademoiselle…
But when that person comes a-calling, well, who needs our doorbell? 

The dog’s only 20 pounds, but he won’t admit it, won’t buy into that train of
           thought;
In his mind he’s a vicious Doberman, fancies himself a juggernaut!
So when walking in the neighborhood, keep him away from other pets;
Otherwise, all concerned parties may soon have their regrets.
Stop barking, jumping, digging, clawing; stop pulling on your leash!
I order you to stop causing all that trouble. Do you understand, quite
           comprehend, capice ?

If you don’t keep track of this dog, he’ll chase small animals; chaos will unfurl
As he goes to chase down roving bands of embittered squirrels!
Yes, he’s not the brightest dog, not as quick as those spaniels and Great Danes
He really is quite friendly, but he kind of lacks in brains!
Intellectually, a good day for the dog means “He knew better than to stand
           out in the rain,”
Whereas Lassie saves old ladies, pilots helicopters, files income tax returns,
           pilots aeroplanes!
Unfortunately for us, our dog’s like a terrier…
He prefers the post office… he bites the mail carrier.
I just wish that our dog, instead, were more like an Airedale…
At least they have the foresight to send things by airmail.