Spammus Inextinctus

(The Spam) Ha! Ha! Remember me? I’m back! Here I am!
I want you! It’s your old friend Uncle Spam!

(The Man) What? Wait a minute. I’ve seen you before. I know your kind.
And you, sir, are most assuredly no friend of mine.

You may have gotten rid of me once before,
But I’m better, tougher, back for more.
You beat the telemarketers, their plans aborted
And my bulk-mail cohorts, once again they’re thwarted.
But I’m not going anywhere! I’ll settle the score.
I’ll drown you in junk mail yet, useless mail galore.

I’m smarter now; I know your tricks
I’ll cause you pain and problems, just for kicks.
You can’t stop me from sending all those ads obscene…
I’m smarter than a computer; it’s just a dumb machine.
I’m inside your inbox, see! Your spam guards I can derail.
I’ve got control, so here comes tons of obnoxious e-mail.

To your machine! And I brought some friends. We’ll be here a while.
Hope you didn’t need those important-looking files.
Meet the pop-ups and attackers! Errors, computer viruses and disease.
We’re worse than hackers! We’ll bring your computer to its knees!!

E-mails oh-so-improper! I stopped your trash-mail stoppers!
You can’t keep me tied up or in a locker; I’m better than your junk-mail blocker!
And this’ll really throw you way off-kilter… I survived that dumb spam filter!

Watch out! Spam is on the way. You are soon in our possession.
Here come lots of problematic ads. One-by-one they march in succession.

First we’ll misspell your name. Hello, Mister “Kooch”?
Want to play some online games? How about useless trinkets for your pooch?
Irksome ringtones! Tiny cell phones! Overpriced diamonds, precious stones!
Low rates, bank loans, pumice stones, nice colognes, tasty scones, 76 trombones!

Get rid of that bald spot. You’ve won your dream home.
You’re in the running to win a yacht. Cheap airline tickets on trips to Rome.
Meet devoted and grateful women. Get paid to take a survey.
Exercise tapes with Richard Simmons. Quit your job today.
Quit smoking, guaranteed! Own your home outright.
You’ve been willed $90K indeed; I lost 60 pounds overnight.
Urgent! call now! you’ve won a house! Keep that septic tank running just like new.

See if you’ve a cheating spouse. We’d like to send a sample-sized shampoo.
I’m authorized to transfer $20 million to you; just give the digits of your account.
Gambling! Lottery! You may be a winner of this amount.

Hey! Who do you think you are? How dare you be so rude.
Those ads are useless, degrading, irritating, and most of all, they’re crude.
You might have snuck back in here quietly like a mouse.
But you’re not welcome here. Get out, get out of my house.
You really make me quite upset.
Scram right now, or I’ll give you something to regret.

No, I will not go! You know you want the things I have to show!
All these gifts I could bestow! There’s no strings attached! I won’t take “no”! 

There must be something you want…

Come look at my new Webcam site!
Dear BOB A REDMOND OF 2213 GARDEN AVENUE, WHEATON, IL, at GoodOlBob23@msn.com: Here’s the retirement fund info you requested!
Work from home, be your own boss.
You may have already won $47,000.
Get paid real money to drive your own car.
How would YOU like to save money on car insurance?
This last name has $676,544.37 in unclaimed funds. 

Yeow! That hurts! What are you doing?! I’m losing strength; my power’s going.
I’m being blocked once more! I can’t control you now; I’ve been shown the door!
I forgot there are other tactics that I still can’t beat.
Even the most simple one, that deadly button called “Delete.”
Fine! You win this round. But don’t think the war you’ve won.
I’ll come back soon enough, armed with e-mails by the ton.
Because you know who I am! Remember me! I’m spam mail, and you can’t ignore…

Delete…

You can’t… can’t ignore… ignore…

Well, what do you know… The spam’s been canned once more.

On writing "Spammus Inextinctus"

The poem is a revised and extended version of an older one. The original was made up of e-mail subject lines (like “work from home and be your own boss”) read progressively faster until everything reaches breaking point. The new version uses two voices (spam, and a man, who has the lines in italics) and gives the spam a “life of its own” beyond just the subject lines. It gets a dynamic, Dr. Seuss-like quality of being funny, mean-spirited and downright malicious at times. The lines build up to a fast-paced block of rhymes where everything goes haywire. The “spam” voice makes one last attempt to tempt the man before the spam is deleted and eventually trails off into nothing.