Steve Schroeder-isms

Giving a Speech
"Here is a bad attention-getter for your introduction:
[loudly] 'SEX.' [normal voice] 'Now that I have your attention,
let's talk about the impending financial crisis in Bosnia.'"

Writing Critiques for Others
"Here is a good critique:
'Your transitions were hard to understand at times.'
Here is a bad critique:
'Your transitions sucked!'"

Why Animals Make Poor Visual Aids
"One girl brought in two guinea pigs…
and they started mating in the middle of her speech!"

"When you say the word 'banana,' most people don't think of 'sex'!"

Verbal vs. Non-Verbal Communication
"Unless you're psychotic, a book will not verbally answer your question!"

Definition of "Cat"
"A four-legged creature of the feline species that I will drop-kick if it throws up
on my carpet again!"

Persuasive-Speech Topic Steve Was Once Assigned to Do in Community College
"Why We Should Legalize Prostitution"

Deep Thought of the Day
"The color of truth is gray."

Mature, Character-Building Class Exercise of the Day
"I'd like you to come up with as many synonyms for "puke" as you can."
Steve, furthering his students' education

Story Steve Probably Shouldn't Have Shared With His Class #1
[because it would inevitably show up on a Web site like this one]
Taking one of his speech classes to the COD Library so he and a librarian could
talk about the resources available for research use. Having the librarian ask him to
pull up "" and instead keying in "," causing
images from an X-rated site to show up on the room's large overhead-projector screen.

Story Steve Probably Shouldn't Have Shared With His Class #2
Doing an on-air (cable access station) presentation for a mass-media class he was in.
Mispronouncing "women's instrumental orchestra" as "women's intra-menstrual

How Steve Warns People When They're Running Out of Time on Their Speech
"When you have two minutes left, I'll give the thumbs-up. 'Everything's good.'
When you are down to your last minute, I will give you the finger."
(class laughter)
"Not that one!
When you are about to go overtime, I start looking panicked."

(reading Course Objective 3 on the syllabus)
"'To develop analytical and critical methodologies applicable to a variety of forms of
communication.' I love this sentence; it makes me sound highly intelligent."

(hearing a cell phone ring)
"Everybody, get up and dance!"
(begins pretending to disco)
"You will turn that off now
for the love of God please turn off your cell phones!!"

(to a woman who bought the wrong book)
"Did you buy the wrong edition? Damn you! Damn you!! … It's okay, I'm only kidding."

(on his policy of grading on a curve)
"There will be no class conspiracy to make the highest score a low one so that in turn
everybody does great."

(someone is pushing an A/V-materials cart down the hallway, making a huge,
crashing racket as it goes)
"There's the daily 1:35 express, right on time!"

(hearing a loud machine running and air hissing in the hallway)
"Sounds like someone's not happy about my attendance policy!"

(pointing to a billboard and starting to talk to it)
"Am I communicating? Maybe in Steve's psychotic world. Does this have a brain?
Let's hope to God not!"

(responding to Danielle, a student who said she works at Jewel)
"I looked at you and I thought, 'Damn, she looks familiar!' Then I realized it's because
she's checked me out before!"
(laughter/hoots/whistles from class)
"I mean my groceries…!"

(after everyone is done taking an exam)
"I will run like a bat out of hell to the Scantron machine..."
(about to leave the room to go to the Scantron reader)
"And now… run, monkey, run!"
(flails arms and bolts out of the room)

(from Sarah, a student)
"…and I started busting out laughing in the introduction of this speech about this man
who beats his wife!"